Stupid Things You Hear In A Wheelchair

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has nine panels. In the center of the cartoon is the title: STUPID THINGS YOU HEAR IN A WHEELCHAIR

PANEL 1

A woman in a cardigan spreads her hands beatifically.

WOMAN: Open your heart and Jesus will heal your legs!

PANEL 2

A passenger sitting on a plane grouses to the person next to him.

MAN: I saw this guy get pushed onto the plane in a wheelchair and then he stood up! This whole “disability” thing is a scam!

PANEL 3

A man rushes through an airport, rolling a suitcase:

MAN: You’re so lucky you don’t have to walk places like normal people!

PANEL 4

A man points and laughs.

MAN: You got a license for that thing? Haw haw!

PANEL 5

Below the title of the strip, a smiling woman clasps her hands.

WOMAN: You’re so brave!

PANEL 6

A woman in a wheelchair angrily speaks to a cheery woman pushing the chair.

WOMAN: Let go of me!

PUSHER: But I’m helping you!

PANEL 7

A man rubs his chin as he rambles. He’s drawn in front of his words, so we can’t see every word.

MAN: Have you really tried to walk? Have you tried seeing a doctor? Have you tried yoga? Have you tried going gluten free? Have you tried exercise? Or this thing I saw on YouTube? Have you tried positivity? Have you tried healing crystals? Have you… alkaline water? Maybe… diet? Have you tried… more water? …for Munchausens? …essential oils? …superfoods can… have you…

PANEL 8

A woman smiles eagerly and leans in.

WOMAN: So can you have sex?

PANEL 9

Two men walk away from a store carrying a bunch of grocery bags, and looking at a disabled parking sign. Nearby, a wheelchair user overhears and looks annoyed.

MAN: Man, I wish I was disabled!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an obsolete but beloved (by me) term for fun but unimportant details in a cartoon.

In panel 3, the sign shows a flying saucer next to the bus and rental car icons.

In panel 6, the sign to the bus has an arrow that, instead of pointing in one direction, shows a circuitous and zigzagging route, because public space is not designed with the convenience of transit riders in mind!

Stupid Things You Hear In A Wheelchair | Patreon

Posted in Ableism, Becky Hawkins collaborations |

Blame Immigrants!

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, all set in an industrial-looking urban area.

PANEL 1

Two characters – a wealthy businessman, and a worker – are speaking. The businessman is dropping a couple of coins into the worker’s palm, and the worker is angry.

BOSS: Here’s this week’s pay.

WORKER: I can’t live on this, you greedy-

PANEL 2

The Bossman puts his arm around the worker’s shoulders and points to another man standing a little distance off. That man, who has brown skin, is facing another way and reading his phone.

BOSS: Whoa! Listen, friend, I’m on your side! It’s not me keeping your pay low! It’s immigrants like that guy!

PANEL 3

The Bossman gets right in the worker’s face as he rattles off things he’s blaming the immigrant for. The Worker looks panicked.

BOSS: He’s stealing the good jobs! Taking all the housing! He’s lazy! Doesn’t even work! Living off welfare! Eating your pets! Doing all the crime!

PANEL 4

The worker is now lying prone on the pavement, with the Bossman’s foot on his back. The worker angrily shakes his fist at the immigrant, and yells.

WORKER: HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU! GET OUT!

BOSS: Good boy.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an archaic cartoonists’ term for unimportant and often silly things drawn into comics.

The signs in the background are filled with references to the classic children’s novel Charlotte’s Web: “Some Pig,” “Terrific,” “Radiant,” and “Humble” are things Charlotte writes about Wilber the pig with her webbing. The names of three characters from Charlotte’s Web – Wilbur, Templeton Rat, and Fern – are also on signage.

In panel one, a rat examines a beer bottle on the sidewalk. In panel two, the rat guzzles from the bottle. In panel four, the rat has passed out with a big stupid grin.

In panel one, a scrap of paper on the sidewalk has a picture of Matt Feazell’s character Cynicalman. A newspaper lying on the sidewalk, entitled “The Daily Weekly,” has a headline that says “Study: 91% of Headlines on Litter Not Germane.” A subheadline says “Subheadlines also found meaningless.”

Blame The Immigrants! | Patreon

Posted in Immigration |

What Freedom Looks Like

Cartoon by Barry

Another collab between me and Nadine Scholtes.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, all showing the same two people talking in a park.

PANEL 1

A bearded man wearing a red MAGA cap is talking to a earnest young woman. The MAGA man is angry, waving his hands in the air.

WOMAN: If guns are legal at all, they need to be regulated.

MAGA: GUN REGULATION IS AUTHORITARIAN!

PANEL 2

An older man with a cane is handing out fliers; the same MAGA guy, furious, slaps a flier to the ground.

CANE MAN: We’re holding a rally for universal health care.

MAGA: UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE IS FASCISM.

PANEL 3

A nonbinary person wearing a pinback that says “THEY / THEM” is a bit bewildered as the MAGA guy points at the pinback, hiding his face like he’s frightened.

MAGA: PREFERRED PRONOUNS ARE TOTALITARIAN!

PANEL 4

All three of the characters from the previous panels, looking panicked, are yelling in unison. The MAGA guy calmly laughs it off.

THREE CHARACTERS: MASKED GOVERNMENT AGENTS ARE DISAPPEARING PEOPLE!

MAGA: That’s what freedom looks like.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken Fat” is a long-dormant cartoonists’ term for unimportant but perhaps amusing details.

Panel 1 – In the background, a pigeon paints an owl’s portrait.

Panel 2 – The pigeon, painting tucked under one wing, runs away from a cat. The MAGA cap now says “Make ‘Merica Mate Mermen.” The flier the MAGA guy slapped says “Reading this tiny print makes you special & smart!”

Panel 3 – The pigeon has stopped to show the painting to the cat, who is surprised and impressed. The MAGA cap says “Make America Grout Again.”

Panel 4 – The cat poses as the pigeon paints its portrait. In the tree above, the owl sits next to where it’s hung the pigeon’s painting of the owl. The MAGA cap says “Erica’s A Hen.”

What Freedom Looks Like | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Nadine Scholtes collaborations |

Why Are You Singling Out Israel?

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels.

PANEL 1

An outdoor park environment. In the background, a bearded man with a blue shirt holds a “Save Gaza” sign. In the foreground, a man in a polo shirt and a woman in a red skirt and black vest are talking about the bearded man.

POLO: Why does that guy single out Israel for criticism? Lots of countries do bad things!

VEST: I’ll ask him.

PANEL 2

The woman in the vest has approached the bearded man. From this angle, we can see that under the vest, she’s wearing a shirt with the Israeli flag on it.

VEST: There are so many evil governments, and yet you’ve decided to protest the only Jewish state. Do you have something against Jews?

PANEL 3

The bearded man earnestly replies.

BEARD: Huh. I guess I was raised to care about Israel. We talked about Israel a lot in Hebrew school. When other kids fundraised for UNICEF we donated our allowances for growing trees in Israel.

PANEL 4

The bearded man looks angrier.

BEARD: Also, I’m American. We give tons of weapons to Israel. So when Israel commits genocide, my tax dollars enable it.

PANEL 5

The bearded man smiles; the vest woman looks unconvinced.

BEARD: Besides, no one can focus equally on everything. I bet you pay more attention to Israel. If it’s okay for you to prioritize some issues, why isn’t it okay for me?

PANEL 6

The vest woman has returned to talking with the guy in the polo shirt.

POLO: So what did he say?

VEST: It’s like we thought, he just hates Jews.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is antiquated cartoonists’ slang for amusing but unimportant details in the art.

SHIRT: The bearded guy’s t-shirt has an image of a lit candle, then an image of a light bulb, then an image of the sun.

TATTOOS: The tattoos on bearded guy’s arms tell a little five panel story, showing a baby bunny growing up, falling in love, having oodles of babies, and finally dying.

PANEL 2: Charlie Brown is in the background.

PANEL 3: A flyer tapes to the tree says “LOST: Bad Dog,” in in smaller print, “Bad bad doggie! No! If found, do not give treats.” The photo shows a dog smoking a cigarette.

PANEL 6: The plant on the windowsill is Audrey II from “Little Shop of Horrors.”

Graffiti on the wall says “Why are you reading this?” and “BG is here.” (BG stands for “background”). It’s impossible to read, but the graffiti behind the woman says “Bilbo Lives.”

Why Are You Singling Out Israel? | Patreon

Posted in Imperialism & War |

They Think They Own The Road!

Cartoon by Barry

A cartoon by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A car and a pickup truck are pulled over on the side of an overpass. There’s an exit ramp with white and green stripes going across it, which in some cities indicates pedestrian and bicyclist crossings. The driver of the car, a woman in an orange top, is walking towards the driver of the pickup, who has gotten out of the truck. He’s wearing a blue cap and a red tshirt.

WOMAN: Hey there. I see you’re pulled over. You need me to call for help?
MAN: Thanks. I’m having the worst day ever!

PANEL 2

A closer shot of the truck driver as he rants. His face is framed by two yellow caution signs with bicycle icons and arrows pointing to the green and white crosswalk lines. The concerned woman is behind him.

MAN: I was just driving along and bam! A bike came out of nowhere! No chance for me to see it coming! Stupid bike riders think they own the road!

PANEL 3

Looking worried, the man points to a dent on his truck’s front grill.

MAN: I got a big truck so I’d be safe on the road — and see what happens? Just look at this ding on my truck!

PANEL 4

From the ground in front of the truck, a hand comes up, forefinger raised to get attention. The woman is shocked; the man is annoyed.

BIKER (weak shaky voice): Sorry to interrupt but could you call me an ambulance?
MAN: Hey! It’s not all about you!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Chicken fat is obsolete cartoonists’ lingo for unimportant but amusing details in the art.

PANEL 2: A highway sign says “Highway to Heck.” The font is called “Highway Gothic.”
(“Highway to heck” is a reference to a Foxtrot comic. “Some songs just weren’t made for Muzak.” “Some ears weren’t, either.”)

PANEL 3: The logo on the front of the truck says “Dodge SLAM.”

They Think They Own The Road! | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations |

Doin’ Discourse With Ezra and Charlie

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, all featuring the same three characters. Charlie, a white man in a suit and tie. Ezra, a white man in more casual clothing. And Reader, a Latina wearing shorts and a black tank.

PANEL 1

Charlie and Ezra are walking together. Nearby, Reader sits at the base of a tree, reading a book, and overhears.

CHARLIE: We need Nuremberg-style trials for tranny-affirming clinic doctors.

EZRA: As a liberal centrist, I can’t agree with that. But what matters is that we’re talking.

PANEL 2

The woman looks annoyed.

CHARLIE: Democrats want Mexicans to overrun us because they hate America and wanna see it become less white and collapse!

EZRA: That’s not true. But again, we’re talking! Thank you for practicing politics the right way!

PANEL 3

The woman stands up, yelling angrily at the two men.

CHARLIE: You know what happens in the cities? Blacks prowl around attacking white people for fun! Haitians rape your women and hunt you!

EZRA: Again, I can’t agree. But I–

READER: Fuck that racist bullcrap!

PANEL 4

Ezra and Charlie walk on, not speaking to the woman, who watches them leave with an annoyed expression.

EZRA: Tsk! So uncivil! That’s the kind of intolerance that’s ruining America.

CHARLIE: They should deport her!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is forgotten cartoonist lingo for unimportant but hopefully amusing stuff in the art.

PANEL 1: A notice taped to the tree says “DON’T don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t forget about me baby,” a reference to a song by Simple Minds made famous in The Breakfast Club.

PANEL 4: A heart carved into the tree trunk says “N.L. + S.T.” Another heart says “J.T. + J.B.,” but has been crossed out. A third heart says “A.H. + J.B.” All of these hearts refer to one of my favorite musicals, Sweeney Todd.
Beaker from The Muppets is sticking his head out a hole in the ground.
A rat is walking on the street next to the sidewalk, looking distressed as it reads something on its phone. It’s wearing a shirt with a hearts pattern.
A piece of litter on the ground says “REPENT. Panel 4 is upon us!”

Doin’ Discourse With Ezra and Charlie | Patreon

Posted in Media criticism, Racism & Racists, Right-wingers |

The Cities Are Full Of, uh, “Crime”

Cartoon by Barry

A cartoon by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

PANEL 1

A white man wearing a baseball cap looks around nervously as he walks on a city sidewalk. Behind him, we can see storefronts and pedestrians. All the people are brown-skinned, enjoying their day, including an adorable family with a toddler riding on her mom’s shoulders.

PANEL 2

A residential city neighborhood. The same white man presses against a wall, trying not to be seen, as he watches a little girl playing hopscotch, while another girl sits on a stoop reading a book. Nearby, a middle-aged woman waters some potted plants on a low wall. Again, the white guy is the only white person in the panel.

PANEL 3

The white guy peers out from behind a tree at a piragua cart, where the piragua vender is smiling as he talks to a customer. In the background, we see a man walking a three-legged pitbull, and a couple of people playing basketball. Again, everyone but the white guy is a person of color.

PANEL 4

We see the white guy in a professional-looking podcast studio, clenching a fist and talking intently into the microphone.

WHITE GUY: I’ve been to the city, and it was full of, uh, crime.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is bygone cartoonists’ lingo for unimportant details snuck into the art.

PANEL 2 – The woman’s bathrobe and turban in p2 are modeled after one of Barbara Howard’s outfits in the season two finale of the TV show Abbott Elementary.

PANEL 3 -A tree by the piragua cart has #avanine carved into the trunk. Avanine is a portmanteau of Ava and Janine, used by the small but enthusiastic number of Abbott Elementary fans who think that the plucky teacher and chaotic principal should date. The piragua guy looks like Lin Manuel Miranda as “Piragua Guy” in the movie version of In The Heights.

PANEL 4 – A poster on the wall shows an extremely muscular shirtless Donald Trump in a royal crown and wrestling belt, carrying a scepter with a carved American eagle head on top. Another poster shows a cartoon narwhal saying “If EDUCATION Makes People SMART, Why Are Most Educated People LIBERAL?” And a paper taped to the wall says “SCHEDULE. 10am: Anger. 11am: Pissed. Noon: Fury. 1pm: Lunch. 2pm: Wrath.”

The Cities Are Full Of, uh, “Crime” | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Racism & Racists |

Slashing Medicaid: Your Loss Our Gain

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, each featuring the same two characters: A representative of the Republican party, a middle-aged man wearing a jacket and tie, and a diabetic with spiky red hair. I’ll call them “Tie” and “Spike.”

PANEL 1

We’re in a grassy area, with trees and a fence in the background. Tie is speaking to Spike sternly, and Spike replies anxiously.

TIE: You know how much insulin costs? Throwing freeloaders like you off Medicaid will save tons of money!

SPIKE: But if I can’t afford insulin, I’ll wind up in the E.R., which costs a lot more!

PANEL 2

As they continue talking, they are now in the E.R..

SPIKE: Since I won’t be able to pay, the costs will be passed onto hospitals, other patients, and state governments.

PANEL 3

Spike is now in a hospice bed, wearing a patient’s gown. Tie is by Spike’s bedside, still speaking sternly.

SPIKE: And the sicker I get, the less I can work and contribute to the economy, right?

TIE: Maybe that’s all true.

PANEL 4

We’re back in the grassy area. Tie is grinning hugely and skipping. Spike has been replaced by a gravestone marked “R.I.P.”.

TIE: But have you considered how huge my tax cuts will be?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is moribund cartoonists’ jargon for little extras in the artwork.

PANEL 1 – A tree has a sign saying “Do not climb – tree is only a drawing.” Below the sign is an evil bunny smoking a cigarette.

PANEL 2 – There are framed portraits of Dr. Hibbert from The Simpsons and Dr. Benson Honeydew from the Muppets. A spy with a walkie-talkie is peering out from a hole in the floor.

PANEL 3 – Outside the window, we can see the Grim Reaper approaching. Woodstock from Peanuts sits on the window frame. A hand holding a lit cigarette is sticking out of a drawer. One of the flowers has a smiling face. A sign on the wall says “Sign all forms before dying.”

PANEL 4 – The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland is perched in the tree. A sign on the tree says “FOR SALE: “For sale” sign. Barely used on smoke-free tree. Will trade for weed.” The small print on Spike’s gravestone says “suffered a politically illustrative demise.”

Slashing Medicaid: Your Loss Our Gain | Patreon

Posted in Health care |

You Only THINK You Liked It

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a tiny “kicker” panel under the bottom of the strip. Each panel features two women talking on a suburban sidewalk. One woman has glasses and a red t-shirt; the other has short dark hair and torn jeans. I’ll call them “RED” and “TORN.”

PANEL 1

Red, angry, is holding out a comic book towards Torn. Torn crouches to examine the comic.

RED: Look! A “diverse” artist’s comic book won an award, but their work is garbage!

TORN: I liked that comic.

PANEL 2

Red tosses the comic away over her shoulder, while producing another comic and handing it to Torn.

RED: You only think you liked it!

RED: No one actually liked it. They just said they did because they’re afraid. Here, read my award-winning comic, it’s actually good.

TORN: Um… Okay.

PANEL 3

In the foreground, we see Torn is reading the comic. In the background, Red continues to rant.

RED: You know why they give awards to middling “diverse” artists? White guilt! It’s pathetic!

PANEL 4

Torn, amused, hands the comic back to Red. Red looks suspicious.

TORN: Have you noticed that when middling white artists win awards, no one thinks that needs an explanation?

RED: Sure, but– Wait, what are you implying?

TINY KICKER PANEL

Torn talks to Barry the cartoonist.

TORN: You’d know all about middling white cartoonists winning awards, right Barry?

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is obsolete cartoonists’ terminology for unimportant (but hopefully fun) details in the artwork.

PANEL 1 – The comic book’s title is “Minor Detail Comix,” and has a sedate dog on the cover. One of the spies from “Spy vs. Spy” is in a hole in a tree in the background. An open can on the ground is labeled “Ant Food” and has a trail of ants leading to it.

PANEL 2 – The dog on the cover of the comic being tossed away now has a panicked expression. The new comic she’s holding out is entitled “Changing Details Comix,” with a skeleton in a suit on the cover.

PANEL 3 – We see some of the panels of the comic Torn is reading. “Hey, wanna have some ill-advised sex? But in an artsy and highbrow way.” “No, I’d rather do it with Mr. Stephen Sondheim.” “I understand. He is the greatest songwriter ever. Maybe I could have sex with Andrew Lloyd Webber instead?”

Also, the Evil Bunny – a character I frequently draw into backgrounds – can be seen in panel 1 of the comic-in-a-comic.

PANEL 4 – The comic now shows the famous painting “The Scream,” and is entitled “Still Changing Comix.”

TATTOO – The tattoo on Torn’s left arm forms a three panel comic strip. In panel one, a moon and a sun, both with smiling faces, face each other across the arm. In panel two, they’re dancing with each other, holding hands, with little hearts floating in the air. In panel four, they’ve floated apart and look heartbroken.

You Only Think You Liked It! | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites, Racism & Racists |

At Least The Fruit Subscription Services Run On Time

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each is a different scene, but they all focus on the same character, an ordinary-looking white guy with glasses, wearing a polo shirt. I’ll call him “Glasses.”

PANEL 1

Glasses is walking in a city as he reads his phone. In the background, across the street, we see a group of protestors with signs saying “Stop It!” and “Enough Already!”

GLASSES (thought): Bills, bills… Oh, well, whatcha gonna do?

PANEL 2

Glasses is sitting on a bench at a bus stop, still reading his phone. There are a couple of sleeper tents on the sidewalk.

GLASSES (thought): Oh, wow, the news is awful… We really are descending into fascism.

PANEL 3

Glasses is stepping off a bus, while still staring at the phone in his hand. In the foreground, a couple of men wearing backwards baseball bats, their faces hidden by balaclavas, are wrestling a woman into submission.

GLASSES (thought): I should put my phone away… Can’t lose another day to doomscrolling.

PANEL 4

Glasses, now in sweatpants, is on a sofa in his living room, still reading his phone. Through a window behind him, we can see masked soldiers marching by.

GLASSES (thought): Should I join a fruit subscription service?

—

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is moribund cartoonists’ lingo for unimportant but hopefully amusing details slipped into a comic.

PANEL 1 – The protest signs are ridiculously vague: “Stop it” and “I object” and “enough already!” The protestors include a man with a crescent moon for a head, Jezanna from the comic strip “Dykes to Watch Out For,” and Wendel from the comic strip “Wendel.” There’s an evil bunny glaring out of the sewer.

PANEL 2 – There’s a man with a rifle in a window on a building. A poster on the wall says “Jesus wants you to be nice – by reporting illegals to ICE.” The illustration shows a smiling teddy bear with a halo crucified on a cross.

A newspaper, “The Daily Weekly,” is lying on the sidewalk. The main headline says “President’s Birthday Declared a Holiday,” with a subheadline saying “Real Americans are thrilled.” Another headline says “Tiny Headline Contains No Real Info But Does Fill In Blank Space,” and the last headline says “Cartoonists go on Strike: No One Notices.”

PANEL 3 – The woman being kidnapped by ICE is wearing a “Captain Hammer” t-shirt, a reference to “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.”

PANEL 4 – There are portraits on the wall of the main characters of Asterios Polyp and Gasoline Alley. A book on a table is entitled “Book You Still Haven’t Got Around to Reading Volume 1.” A second book is entitled “Book Volume 8. Admit It, You’ll Never Read This.” A third book, in the background, says “it’s so weird that people actually read this very tiny print” on the cover.

At Least The Fruit Subscription Services Run On Time | Patreon

Posted in Barry's favorites |

(Not) All Jews Are Welcome

Cartoon by Barry

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, all showing the front steps of a brownstone building.

PANEL 1

A middle-aged man wearing a kippah stands on the landing atop the steps, making an expansive, welcoming gesture. A woman is standing on the steps talking to him.

MAN: Welcome to the Jewish community! All Jews are welcome!

WOMAN: Are you sure? I’m Jewish, but I don’t keep kosher.

MAN: No matter! A Jew’s a Jew.

PANEL 2

The same man is now talking to someone else, a young guy in a striped t-shirt.

YOUNG GUY: I don’t observe Shabbat. And I never had a Bar Mitzvah.

MAN: That’s no problem! Judaism is for all Jews!

PANEL 3

The same man is now talking to a young woman with curly black hair.

WOMAN: I was raised Jewish, but now I’m an atheist.

MAN: You’re still one of us!

WOMAN: And I’m against Israel’s genocide in Gaza.

PANEL 4

The woman, looking dizzy, is lying on the pavement at the bottom of the stairs, her purse a few feet away. The man, off-panel, yells from the top of the stairs.

MAN: AND STAY OUT!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is long-hibernating cartoonist slang for funny but unimportant details in a comic.

PANEL 1: The back of the woman’s hoodie says “BAND NAME.”

PANEL 3: Tattoos on the woman’s arm say “This That Other.” There’s also a tattoo of Ignatz Mouse from Krazy Kat.

PANEL 4: There’s a rat on the sidewalk, who is wearing glasses and smoking a pipe. The woman’s tattoos now include a light bulb with a thought balloon showing a lit-up light bulb, Leela from Futurama, a razor crossing a rolling pin, and a slice of pie. On her other arm, tattoos say “Pow Zap” and there’s a tattoo of Krazy from Krazy Kat.

A newspaper lying on the sidewalk is called “Daily Backgrounder.” The top headline is “Wayward Song To Carry On: Forecasters Predict Peace When Done.” Smaller headlines says “Hidden Pigeons Emerge For Cyanide-Coated Peanuts: Bird Community Vows Revenge” and “Body Found In Chicago: Victim Looks Like Jigsaw Puzzle With Pieces Missing.” (All three headlines are references to songs I like; I suspect my younger readers will have a tougher time identifying all three songs.)

(Not) All Jews Are Welcome | Patreon

Posted in Imperialism & War, Social Justice |

Trust Us, We’re Doctors

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has six panels. Each panel has a large caption at top, indicating the date.

PANEL 1 – 1850

Three people in 1850s clothing, two women and a man with a fantastic mustache, sit at a table. A tray in front of them is piled high with wafers.

MAN: Dr Simm’s Arsenic Wafers will safely make you slender and beautiful! Trust me, I’m a doctor!

PANEL 2 – 1912

A doctor in a white lab coat talks to us. He stands with his arm around a gigantic tapeworm, which is about as tall as he is.

DOCTOR: You just swallow tapeworm eggs. These sweet creatures are nature’s path to slimness!

TAPEWORM: What could go wrong?

PANEL 3 – 1928

A man in a tux lights a cigarette for a glamourous woman in a flapper-style dress.

MAN: Light a Lucky Strike and you’ll never miss sweets that make you fat!

PANEL 4 – 1975

A doctor in a white lab coat grins at us as he holds up a pill bottle. Behind him, a beautiful woman sleeps on a bed.

DOCTOR: Sedatives! Sleep twenty hours a day and you won’t be eating! Nothing could be healthier!

PANEL 5 – 1996

A man talks to us while holding up a Time Magazine cover. The cover shows the body of a slim woman in a bathing suit, with the caption “Hot New Diet Pill.”

MAN: It’s called Fen-Phen! What a fun name, right? You’ll lose weight and it definitely probably maybe won’t cause heart attacks!

PANEL 6- TODAY

A doctor holds up a syringe, as he talks to us with a grin.

DOCTOR: Just inject once weekly for the rest of your life and you’ll stop wanting to eat. Totally safe! Trust us, we’re doctors!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is obsolete cartoonists’ terminology for unimportant but fun details slipped into the art.

PANEL 1: One of the women has died.

PANEL 2: A box on a little table is labeled “WYRM” and has an illustration of a tapeworm framed by laurel branches.

PANEL 3: There are six ashtrays, overflowing with cigarette butts, on a table in the foreground. The entire panel is laid out to resemble a 1920s magazine ad.

PANEL 4: The sleeping woman is dressed like a flower child, and her hair is drawn with spirals, which illustrators did a lot in the 1970s. Outside a window, we can see Merryweather and Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty enjoying eating cake; Maleficent is feeding a bit to her pet raven Diablo.

PANEL 6: The doctor’s necktie has a pattern of cartoon tapeworms.

Trust Us, We’re Doctors | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Fat Acceptance, Health care, History |

Beware God’s Sock Puppets

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Kevin Moore.

Inspired by the Bible (2 Kings 2, specifically):

He went up from there to Bethel, and while he was going up on the way, some small boys came out of the city and jeered at him, saying, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” And he turned around, and when he saw them, he cursed them in the name of the Lord. And two she-bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A smirking teenager sits at a table, typing on a laptop. A caption lets us see what’s on the laptop screen.

YouWho: God is loving and merciful.

FRIEDFRED: shut up baldy lol

PANEL 2

The teen jumps in fright as a huge bear breaks through the window in the background. We can see a second bear behind the first bear.

BEAR: RAWR

TEEN: Eep!

PANEL 3

Punching and stomping, the two bears beat the crap out of the teenager.

TEENAGER: Aaah! Aaaah! Help me! Oh God! Why?!

PANEL 4

In a coffee shop, a giant man, wearing sandals and a purple robe, sits at a table typing on a laptop. The giant man, who is God, is bald on top, with long gray hair and a long gray beard. He’s grinning sadistically. The table and laptop look tiny next to him.

GOD: LOL AT ME, WILL HE?

CAPTION AT THE BOTTOM

BEWARE GOD’S SOCK PUPPETS

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is what we called fun little details before the world starting calling them “Easter eggs.”

PANEL 1: A poster in the background shows two football players crashing helmets together, with the caption “Football: Get Some Brain Damage!” The bag of chips is called “Zit-O’s.” A sticker on the laptop says “Fall Out Boy,” which (Kevin informs me) is an actual emo band.

PANEL 2: The cat, which had been napping on the windowsill, leaps high into the air with a hilarious expression of terror. The laptop sticker now says “All Time Low” (another emo band), while the chips are now named “Uh-O’s.” The poster has changed to show a superhero with huge muscles and the caption “He’s So Super!”

PANEL 3: The cat, now calm, is taking a video of the fight.

PANEL 4: God’s laptop says “YHWH Or The Highway” on the back. The menu in the background lists “sex toys” as an option.

Beware God’s Sock Puppets | Patreon

Posted in Kevin Moore collaborations, Religion and Atheism |

We’ve Got Nothing Against Immigrants, Except the Immigrant Ones

Cartoon by Barry

I’m chuffed to again collaborate with R.E. Ryan.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels, plus a tiny fifth “kicker” panel underneath. All panels show the same scene. Two men are sitting at a bar, nursing beers. The first man is wearing a purple zip-up jacket; the second a green t-shirt.

PANEL 1

“Purple” looks suspiciously at “Green” as he asks an unfriendly question; Green replies angrily.

PURPLE: Why do you guys hate immigrants so much?

GREEN: That’s unfair! Conservatives have nothing against immigrants!

PANEL 2

Green lists off items on his fingers.

GREEN: We’re only against immigrants who sneak across the border, because they’re lawbreakers. Oh, and ones who overstay their Visas.

PANEL 3

Green looks up a bit, concentrating, as he continues his list.

GREEN: Plus those here legally as refugees… Student op-ed writers… Those brought here as kids… Latino guys with tattoos… Harvard students… Ones who are only “American” cause they were born here… People who criticize Israel…

PANEL 4

GREEN: But other than that, when have conservatives ever gone after law-abiding immigrants?

TINY KICKER PANEL UNDERNEATH THE COMIC

GREEN: These people should just use the legal pathways to immigration! Which we’re closing!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is an old-fashioned cartoonists’ term for unimportant but fun details in comics.

PANEL 1: On a shelf below the bar, a mouse is guzzling beer.

PANEL 2: There’s a framed picture of Sam Eagle (from the Muppets) on the wall. A highway route sign on the wall says “Route 65 ½.” Fry and Bender, from the TV show Futurama, are sitting at a table.

PANEL 3: Green is still counting points off on his fingers. To facilitate that, he now has nine fingers on his right hand.

PANEL 4: The drinking mouse has passed out.

We’ve Got Nothing Against Immigrants, Except the Immigrant Ones | Patreon

Posted in Conservatives, Immigration, R. E. Ryan collaborations, Right-wingers |

They Will Never Be Shown

Cartoon by Barry

A cartoon by me and Becky Hawkins.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has five panels. All feature the same woman, a fat woman with neck-length blonde hair.

PANEL 1

A fat woman has just exited a grocery store carrying a bag of groceries. A thin couple, walking out behind her, looks at her scornfully. The fat woman doesn’t turn to face them, but we can see in her expression that she’s overhearing their conversation.

THIN MAN: Oh my god, just look at her! Does she ever exercise?

THIN WOMAN: She must have zero willpower.

FAT WOMAN (thought): I’ll show them!

PANEL 2

The fat woman is seated in a diner, looking at a little book entitled “My Daily Food Journal.” In the foreground we can see a juicy burger and a slice of chocolate cream pie, both delicious looking. A waitress is taking the fat woman’s order.

CAPTION: NEXT…

FAT WOMAN: Could I get a half cup of oatmeal instead of a full cup? No butter.

PANEL 3

The fat woman, cross-eyed with exhaustion, is in a gym, using a stationary bicycle.

CAPTION: She does this for an entire year

FAT WOMAN: Puff… puff…

PANEL 4

The fat woman, wrapped in a towel in a locker room, is standing on a scale and looking very pleased.

CAPTION: Until at last…

FAT WOMAN (thought): Wow! I’ve lost thirty pounds! “Zero willpower.” I’ve certainly shown them!

PANEL 5

The fat woman is walking out of the grocery store and the same couple walks out behind her. The fat woman facepalms.

CAPTION: VINDICATION!

THIN MAN: Oh my god, just look at her! Does she ever exercise?

THIN WOMAN: She must have zero willpower.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

Panel 1: The posters in the supermarket window say “seasonal meat” and (with a picture of an apple) “Doctors HATE this one weird trick.” The beer the thin guy is carrying is named “bière.”

Panel 2: The posters in the background are all about how great the food at this diner is. A first-place ribbon is framed next to an article with the headline “Local Restaurant Named Best In US” and a photo of an adorable chef captioned “Proud Chef Grandpa.”

Panel 3: The brand on the bike is “Belleville,” a reference to the movie The Triplets of Belleville.

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, Fat Acceptance |

The End of PEPFAR

Cartoon by Barry

Check out the timelapse drawing video (including video of Frank Young’s coloring process).

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. All of them show three people – a casually dressed woman, a politician type in a suit, and a doctor type in a white lab coat – on a city sidewalk.

PANEL 1

POLITICIAN: Lefties say conservatives are racist monsters who don’t value human life – but what about PEPFAR here?

DOCTOR TYPE: Hi! I’m Pepfar!

PANEL 2

A close up of the politician, with a hand held over his heart.

POLITICIAN: PEPFAR was founded by the Bush administration to help people with AIDS. And it’s saved over 25 million lives, mostly in Africa!

PANEL 3

The woman smiles. Everyone’s smiling. The politician reaches for something inside his jacket.

WOMAN: I do have some issues with PEPFAR… but overall, you’re right. PEPFAR does a huge amount of good and saves tons of lives.

POLITICIAN: See? We’re not such monsters.

PANEL 4

The politician, still smiling, has drawn a gun and shoots the PEPFAR dude over and over – he’s clearly dead. The woman is horrified.

POLITICIAN: But I’ve got tax cuts to offset, so…

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken Fat” is a long-dormant cartoonists’ expression for little unimportant details in the art.

PANEL 1. Woodstock and Opus are sitting together high on a building. A “wanted” poster on the building shows someone named “A. C. Ute” with a triangle-shaped head. A grumpy mouse is running away, with a bag on a stick over a shoulder. A piece of litter shows a cartoon bug and the words “get it?” A snake is coming out of a sneaker. The woman has a tattoo of a bundle of TNT. Travel stickers on the doctor’s roller bag say “Alderaan: It’s a Blast!” “Iowa: 75% Vowels!” “Sodom: Try Our Salt” “Gotham: Nana nana nana Batman,” “Place,” and one that’s cut off by the corner of the bag that says “Cut off Tr-”

PANEL 2. A poster in the background says “CHEESE is kinda gross if you think about it but so is most food.”

PANEL 3. The woman’s tattoo, instead of TNT, now shows an explosion sound effect.

PANEL 4. A spy is hiding behind a pillar in the background. Travel stickers on the suitcase say “Tiny Text that no one reads except U,” “Avoid Florida,” and “Hi Frank! Thanks for the colors!”

Posted in Conservatives |

Standing Aside Athwart History

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Jenn Manley Lee.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. Each panel shows the same two characters, wealthy men, as they relax inside an exclusive country club. Servants wearing butler tuxes wait on them.

PANEL 1

One of them – let’s call him RACQUET – is waving a racquetball racquet and ranting, while his friend – let’s call him FRIEND – listens patiently.

RACQUET: William F. Buckley wrote “A conservative is a fellow who is standing athwart history yelling Stop!”

PANEL 2

The two are now playing darts.

RACQUET: “Prudence” is the conservative watchword! But today’s republican party is the opposite of prudential. January sixth, reinterpreting the constitution, destroying old alliances… and the tariffs! Dear God!

PANEL 3

They’ve moved to the club’s fancy dining area. Racquet pounds his fist on the table while Friend is looking at his phone.

RACQUET: it’s obscene! it’s what conservatives have always opposed! What’s become of our principles?!

PANEL 4

Now in what appears to be a demonic sacrifice room, they talk while Racquet prepares to plunge a dagger into one of the butler-like guys.

FRIEND: So you’ve stopped voting for Republicans?

RACQUET: I would, but I want the tax cuts.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-obscure cartoonists’ term for unimportant but hopefully fun details in the art.

Panel 2: The mounted heads of Rocky and Bullwinkle are on the wall. The dartboard is being held up by one of the butler dudes; there is a dart sticking out of his head.

Panel 3: Both the silverware and the pheasants they’re eating are sparkling as if they’ve been plated with gold.

Panel 4: The two of them are now wearing red and black robes and are preparing to sacrifice a butler, who is tied to a stone table. The butler seems surprisingly calm about this. Displayed on a shelf in the background are the decapitated heads of George Washington, Batman, Underdog, Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracy, Garfield the cat, and the Monopoly Man.

Posted in Conservatives |

He’s Back- Get ‘Im! (Jesus Returns)

Cartoon by Barry

Check out the video of me drawing this cartoon!

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels. The first three take place on a city sidwalk.

PANEL 1

Jesus Christ, a smile on his face and a glowing halo over his head, is talking to a man wearing an ICE jacket. The ICE agent is talking into his phone.

JESUS: Yes, it’s me, Jesus Christ! I’ve come back to–

ICE AGENT (thought balloon): ✓ Foreign accent. ✓ Brown skin. ✓ Doesn’t look rich.

ICE AGENT (aloud): Guys, I think I got one!

PANEL 2

Two more ICE agents, big men wearing black masks that cover their whole faces other than their eyes, have rushed in and are shoving Jesus (now wearing handcuffs) to the sidewalk.

MASK DUDE: He looks mid-eastern to me.

JESUS: But I– OW!

ICE AGENT: No talking back, terrorist!

PANEL 3

A cartoon dust cloud, from which raised fists and clubs emerge, indicates a beat down going on.

JESUS: I’m only here to–

MASK DUDE: He’s resisting!

ICE AGENT: Get him!

PANEL 4

The Ice Agent, hands on hips, is grinning as he chats with Kristi Noem (Trump’s Homeland Security secretary). In the background is a cell full of prisoners, shirtless and with their heads shaved. One of the prisoners is Jesus, covered with bruises, looking very irritated.

NOEM: We really are doing God’s work here.

ICE AGENT: Heck yeah!

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a long-obsolete cartoonists’ term for unimportant details drawn in a cartoon.

PANEL 1 – The building directory in the background:

Accountant
Accountspider
Spider-Man
Copyright Suit
Tailored Suit
Taylor Hebert
Hebert ‘n Ernie
Ernied Interest
Interest Ing Inc
Dentist

A newspaper lying on the sidewalk says “Background Detail News. Headline Leaves No Room for Story Text. Lazy Cartoonist To Blame, Says Bob. Bob? Who’s Bob?” (Some of that last line is literally impossible to read, because panel borders. Honestly, the entire newspaper might be impossible to read, partly because I distorted the lettering to put it in perspective.)

A poster on the wall says “WORDS. They’re all over! Where do they come from? What do they want? Do they have plans? No one knows.”

Oscar the Grouch is peeking out of a trash can in the foreground.

PANEL 2 – The Tin Man, The Scarecrow, and the Lion are watching from a window in the background. In another window, the three-eyed alien from “Toy Story” watches. A bumper sticker on the ICE van says “My other car is unmarked.” One of the ICE agents has actually stuck his hand through the middle of Jesus’ halo.

PANEL 3 – One of the Ice Agent’s arms has a “Care Bears” tattoo. Micky Mouse’s fist is sticking out of the dust cloud.

PANEL 4 – The people in the jail cell include Chico Marx, Mr. Spock, Superman, Albert Einstein, Bob Hope, Beldar Conehead, and Mr. Miyagi.

He’s Back! Get Him! | Patreon

Posted in Immigration |

MALES do that!

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins, with an assist from Naomi Rubin, who suggested the kicker panel.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels (plus a fifth “kicker” panel), all of them showing two women talking on a city street corner. The first woman has reddish-brown hair in a pixie cut, and is wearing a green shirt with blue capris. The second woman has dark hair in a bob cut, and is wearing a blue leather crop jacket over a maroon dress and combat boots.

PANEL 1

Capris points accusingly at Jacket. Jacket, annoyed, gives Capris the finger.

CAPRIS: You’re a male! All you trans women are male!

JACKET: You know what? Screw you.

PANEL 2

JACKET: Let’s be logical. Everyone gets angry sometimes.

CAPRIS: Taking refuge in “logic!” Implying that because i’m a woman I’m being irrational! That’s so male!

PANEL 3

Jacket crosses her arms and looks away, clearly annoyed. Capris is gloating.

CAPRIS: Look, now you’re sulking! Just like males do!

PANEL 4

Jacket has walked away. Capris jumps up and down, yelling at Jacket’s back.

CAPRIS: Walking away! Males do that! Wearing clothes! Breathing! Male male MALE!

KICKER PANEL BELOW BOTTOM OF THE COMIC

Jacket makes finger-quotes while Capris, looking very smug, shrugs.

JACKET: What about you? Isn’t that a “man’s haircut”?

CAPRIS: When I do it, it’s disrupting the patriarchy.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

In the background is a store with a window display, slowly revealed as the comic progresses. From right to left: Close-ups of enormous fruit (berries, a banana, a kiwi) sitting or floating over a bed of ice, with water and juice splashing dynamically upwards.

A closely-cropped image of a woman’s face, so we just see one eye and the corner of her mouth. One hand is on her cheek. Her lips and nails are icy pink. The transom above the door has an exotic flower decal.

On the front door, in an artsy font treatment, it says: “Are we a smoothie shoppe? A NAIL salon? A DISPENSARY? YOU DON’T KNOW!”

MALES Do That! | Patreon

Posted in Becky Hawkins collaborations, LGBT cartoons |

Next Best Thing

Cartoon by Barry

This cartoon is a collaboration with Kevin Moore.

TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON

This cartoon has four panels.

PANEL 1

A cheerful white man is driving while he talks on his cell phone.

MAN: I watched “Raisers of the Lost Ark” yesterday.

VOICE ON PHONE: Again?

PANEL 2

As the man talks, we see his giant thought balloon, which shows a Nazi looking in confusion upwards towards the giant bullet hole in his forehead, while in the background Indiana Jones is holding a smoking pistol.

MAN: I’m just fascinated by World War II movies… I wonder what I would have done if I’d been around back then.

PANEL 3

The man has parked in a parking lot, and is getting out of his car.

MAN: Anyway, gotta go. Just reached work.

VOICE ON PHONE: Have a good one!

PANEL 4

The man in in a locker room, straightening his collar in front of a mirror. The back of his jacket says ICE. In the mirror, his reflection is wearing a WW2 Nazi uniform.

MAN (thought): If I’d had the chance, I could’ve been a great Nazi.

CHICKEN FAT WATCH

“Chicken fat” is a anachronistic term for little unimportant but fun details cartoonists slip into the art.

PANEL 1 – A cardboard cut-out of Charlie Brown’s head is hanging from the rear view mirror. The man’s t-shirt has a design of a happy flower with a smiling face holding a smaller flower, which has a face with two little “x”s for eyes.

PANEL 2 – The cell phone’s screen says “TODD.” When I asked Kevin about that, he replied: “Yeah I thought it would be kinda funny. Todd is a funny name to me. Also if you have seen Breaking Bad, the name Todd has distinct creepy Nazi associations.”

PANEL 3 – The man’s t-shirt now shows Bob The Angry Flower. The two little stick-figures sticker on the back of the car shows a three-headed alien. A hand is sticking out of the trunk of the car next over. On the other side, a camel has been parked, and is eating hay from a feed bag. The license plate says “NOS4A2,” a reference to a novel Kevin’s currently reading.

PANEL 4- A poster on the wall shows two stick-figures lifting a third stick figure, which has obviously broken legs. The caption says “Safety First – Life With Your Legs.” Near the floor, someone in the wall is digging a hole in the wall with a small knife, while a second person in there watches.

The belt buckle on the Nazi uniform is an abstract caricature of Hitler.

I think that’s all of them – although Kevin may have snuck one in I missed.

Next Best Thing | Patreon

Posted in Immigration, Kevin Moore collaborations |